You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
