That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
