he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
