Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
