The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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