Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
