i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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