its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
