Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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