so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
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Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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