My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
