I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
