he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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