i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
