I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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