if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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