I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
