it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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