wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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