God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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