after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
