I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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