she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
