If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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