I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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