There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
