This is not my ceiling
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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