I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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