Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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