Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
