I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
