im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle