literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?