Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
