that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
