how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
