Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
