i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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