it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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