I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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