a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
