I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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