somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my being single is dangerous.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My penis needs a shock collar
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
