she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
