i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My bed smells like the plague
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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