I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
