walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
