sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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