So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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