I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
