then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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