JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
