I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
