i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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